LivingUndaunted

The Five Things I Learned In The Forest

Sitting by my roaring morning campfire, listening to the water stream endlessly by in Flat Rock Brook not 10 feet away, feeling the silent watch of the elegant, tall, skinny trees, which remind me of well-bred butlers waiting patiently until they're called, I ask myself, "So, what did I learn in my time alone in the forest?" And here, in no particular order, are my answers:

1) Plan B is just as good if not better than Plan A - take what the universe sends and don't spend too much time making logical sense of it.

My original idea was to find a campsite by the Delaware River, because I wanted to hear the peacefulness of flowing water on my retreat. But due to an unusually wet summer every Delaware River campsite I called was flooded. Resigned, I found a campsite in Stokes Forest, on what the website said was a mountain. I called and booked a campsite sight unseen - only to arrive and find much to my surprise it sat right on the banks of the Flat Rock Brook with delicious flowing water that sang to me day and night (campsite 18, I highly recommend it!).

2) There is enough, even if there isn't.

I am obsessed with fire. Happily, this obsession only manifests itself when I go camping, at which point I become Maria the Fire Meister, making the search for kindling an Olympic sport and raising the selection of perfect log placement into an art form. Part of this obsession rears its head by whispering meanly in my ear, "There isn't enough firewood," a thought which made me (and always makes me) spend an inordinate amount of time searching for wood to supplement the 2 bundles I bought at the farmer's market on the way in. After my walk up the banks of the brook yesterday, I returned with a load that would have strained a professional lumberjack. Finally I sat, satisfied there was enough.

But, of course, when you're obsessed with fire, you make BIG fires, constantly feeding it logs to keep it roaring. So I awoke this morning to find a dead fire and two lonely logs left. Right away the thought set in... "See I DIDN'T have enough wood and I DID run out!" Then I lifted my gaze and saw a small island in the middle of the brook full of healthy-sized logs that a higher tide had deposited there. An endless supply is available, even if it is not right in your hands. Which leads me to story # 3.

3) Even if you fall in, it's okay. Just go do it.

Upon spotting the logs, I started a strategic search for the optimum crossing spot over the stones across the brook over to the little island. I calculated flow rates, water depth, stone slipper-ability and countless other factors. AND I fell on my ass in the water both ways anyway.

Bottom line - I got my logs, my pants got wet and are now drying and I'm cooking my sneakers by my roaring fire. What did I learn? Next time wear the flip-flops instead of the sneakers. It's 65 degrees for goodness' sake. Don't take it all so seriously.

4) It's so much bigger than you.

Walking through the forest with its seemingly endless supply of trees, birds, fascinating mushrooms and mesmerizing variations of beauty, I was reminded there is a whole world that goes on without knowing anything about my deadlines, my insecurities, my broken heart or my ambitions. It's so much bigger than I am. And you too. Plus, I know this because God told me. See # 5 for more details.

5) God answers questions if you learn how to listen.

Part of the reason for coming on this trip was to go on a "tribal vision quest" to get answers about the next phase of my life. Besides building fires and my assorted water adventures, I spent time praying and meditating, burning incense and candles and dancing and singing by the fire. Then, last night after my impromptu ceremony was done, I snuggled in my sleeping bag and did something I haven't done since I was a little girl ... I started to speak to God out loud.

I asked for guidance about various situations in my life, business, personal, waiting fervently in the silence for the answers I'd come seeking.

Instead, God with her wicked sense of humor put a memory of this old song in my mind:

"Dear God, hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image
See them fighting in the street
Cuz they can't make opinions meet
About God."

It is a song I hadn't thought of in 15 years probably, an atheist song from my angry, angst-filled youth which never enjoyed huge popularity but which resonated with me back then as I struggled to make sense of what I felt was an unfair world and a God that didn’t answer questions or requests. (Hear a bit of it here).

What could God mean by that answer? And as I asked the question, it was answered and I understood. God was chiding me for asking the same old questions.

We ask God all manner of questions from "Why doesn't he love me any more?" to "Why are people starving in the world?" and make all manner of requests. We wait passively and with a sense of entitlement for answers that will satisfy our narrow view of the world and get petulant when we don't receive them. I asked the questions when I listened to that song 15 years ago. And today, the questions may have gotten more enlightened but their format is still the same... "God, how are you going to make this right for me?"

But the truth is that the true questions are so much broader (see #4!) and the answers so much more ours than God's. If God, or the Universe or Source or whatever term you use that feels right for you, is to be real and of any meaning at all we need to own that we can act with divinity and make our world right, not wait for a bail-out or a blueprint. It's so simple but so difficult to do at times, to do your part of being God by adding more joy and love to the world than unhappiness and stress. But it's what we must all do... to be a force that adds to the sum total of goodness, raising the level of love and kindness and creation... it's how we solve the world's intractable problems, each of us alone and together.

I know because God told me in the forest.

If You Are What You Eat Then Be A Glutton

"You are what you eat."

That's the phrase that comes to mind for me when I think about creating sustaining environments. There is this very wise idea that if you want to make changes in your life, change the way you live. There are tons of great ways to do that, and it's not just about getting new houseplants. A great program for that is CoachVille's Personal Environments community. (Don't know about CoachVille, this awesome company I do work for, one of my big passions in life right now? Click here)

But for all my talk about redesigning supportive environments to uplift people in their growth, I must admit to having been a little stingy with the idea for myself ("Physician, heal thyself!). Sure, I thought, this idea of creating supportive environments is great, but no need to go overboard. If I have a coach, a few trusted friends I can talk to, work I love and a fun social life, that should about cover me, right? Wrong.

I was hit smack in the face with that sitting on a bridge call today, finding that some woman was talking about being a bad mother. Most disturbingly, this woman had my voice. It was me. Before I could stop myself and protect my shiny facade of competence, I volunteered to a bridge full of strangers that I am not spending the kind of time I want to with my children, that work increasingly pulls me into other things, that I am challenged and retreat when their behavior is difficult. I told them that I find myself distracting the kids so I don't have to deal with them when I'm tired, that their shrieks during fights send me running for cover.

And then a miraculous thing happened. Each of the parents on the call volunteered that they had all been just where I am now, and go there on a regular basis. And what's more, they gave me tons of tools and ideas for how to deal with it, like getting a group together on a regular basis to talk about parenting issues. They shared the names of a couple of people who do work around these issues, amazing coaches, some of whom I know.

When I finished with that call, my 4-year-old announced that we were going skating. I'd promised her yesterday that we'd spend time together today, an increasingly contentious issue as she assertively insists on what she wants and I retreat further into overwhelm and sadness. And she wasn't taking no for an answer. I surrendered completely into the moment of it and went skating in the perfect fall afternoon, sitting quietly with her while she slobbered her face full of chocolate ice cream after the skating, listening raptly as she talked about the things that matter for her so much.

And then I got home and called one of the men whose name had been suggested by the group earlier and had a wonderful conversation around children and what we need to do to make things right with them and what's really expected of us as parents - what we can give that is enough. I learned about the five languages of loving and how to incorporate them into my life with my children. We made plans to form a discussion group for parents.

And today I was a good mother.

Why? Not because of the skating, or the conversation with my daughter, or any of the other things I did which were probably not that much more special than things I do every day. But because today I observed myself to be a good mother, concentrated on it, reached out for help around it and made it a priority of my day. Today I created an environment where I was a good mother.

But here's the thing - the "perfectionist" in me would say, "Okay, now you're cured, now you've got to learn from this experience and just keep replicating the things you did with your kids every day so you can always be a good mother." But that's not the secret. The truth is the challenges will all be renewed tomorrow and I'll need to revisit them again and again, surmount them every morning when they bicker or I'm tired or I've got a deadline.

The answer is every day I must create an environment in which I'm a good mother. Every day I must make room for uplifting conversations about parenting, create small moments for success as a mother, share intimate time with both of my kids.

And every day I must create an environment in which my creativity is expressed. Every day I must have an inspiring moment, a challenging conversation or see a provocative piece of art.

And every day I must hone my business acumen, reading great business magazines and hang around people who make a lot more money than I do.

Environment creation is not about being stingy. It is about filling your life with the sensual abundance of experience which enriches you and gluts you with ideas and touch and the spark of creation. It is about being a force of nature, soaking in all the torrential rain of knowledge and community and silence (sweet silence!) and makes it possible for you to shine forth as the unique gem you are.

So when you think of remaking your environment to reach big dreams, realize they're some big environments you must create. Your being won't settle for a tame little landscape. Make your ideas, your relationships, your space, your body, your mind the equivalent of extravagant waterfalls, dramatic mountains, lighting, Northern lights, black-sand beaches, Venetian canals. Create a life where all you can be is the biggest, bravest version of yourself.

Living Undaunted Means Being Daunted

Part of what attracted to the name "Living Undaunted" for this blog is that it bespeaks a certain energy of overcoming. And I like that.

Because succeeding without overcoming is just play. Nothing wrong with play, but it's not the same as accomplishment and it's not the juice of living.

So when the going gets tough the tough get blogging.

Living undaunted means to step every day outside the zone that keeps you small. Sure, it's scary out there, and you'll probably get a spray of muddy water on your shoes and calves and you'll hear things you're afraid to hear and you'll see sides of people that disappoint you and scare you. And, yes, you could live a perfectly reasonable life right in your safe warm spot, away from the spraying and the scaring and the disappointment.

Part of discovering your ever-evolving truth is that you become more and more real. I look at life in Phase 1 and Phase 2. Phase 1 is the phase about learning to live in the world, learning the rules, learning the tricks. If Phase 1 goes well, you gain insights into others and become comfortable in the community and structure into which you're born. If it goes badly, you get harshly pulled from your true self, taught to second-guess your inner knowing and be ashamed of your desires.

Phase 2 is the process of going within, understanding in ever-deepening ways the voice that whispers in the dark and tells you always the right thing to do, the physical sensations that bring truth and valuable information, and connection to Source, call you it God or Universe or Allah or any other label we've learned to put on it. Phase 2 can, for many of us, start very young and last our whole lives. Or we can stay stuck in Phase 1, forever trying to learn more and more rules in the vain hope that will bring us the satisfaction and joy which we're seeking.

You can only begin living undaunted when you make a choice to move into Phase 2 of your life. Because in this state of being, you will face challenges, people will disappoint you and turn out to be other than what you thought they'd be, circumstances will be difficult and seem to have no way out, but you will KNOW what to do. Seems a distant and fairy-tale possibility for some people, but as you sharpen your skill at quieting to hear the voice, you will understand again and again how to surmount the obstacles in your life.

What are some ways to quiet to hear the voice of Living Undaunted?

1. Find Silence. Our world offers ever-increasing opportunities to find noise. Find quiet instead. Make it a conscious seeking and make note of the places where you find it so you can go there again and again. Is it by a mighty river? Is it on your backyard swing? Is it in your small child's loving sleepy smile first thing in the morning? Wherever you find those moments of true peace, embrace them and bring them into your life with ever-increasing welcoming.

2. Make clean space. Our energy and all the goings-on of each day imprint themselves on our space. Have you ever walked into a place and felt unhappiness and despair despite the smiles pasted on the faces of the people there? Or, conversely, have you ever walked into a place like a cathedral or a museum and been immediately uplifted? Spaces retain energy. You can refine and uplift the energy of your space by doing simple things like ringing a bell, burning some incense or lighting a candle with intention.

3. Be honest always. If this sounds a bit George Washington to you, know that I mean honesty in a deeper sense, the sense of absolute truth which you really need to tell yourself more than anyone. The little white lie that makes the moment easier or the act of refusing to see the pain in something makes you stay always stuck in there. A big part of overcoming the things that could possibly be daunting in your life is to stay very clear about what's true for you.

4. Love a lot. Love can hurt. Love anyway and never be ashamed of it. Even if your love is rejected, or not returned as you gave it, or misunderstood and come to an unhappy end, be joyful always that you've loved and KEEP ON LOVING. The very act of putting gentleness and kindness out into the world raises the level of love for everyone, so know that you're giving something to make the world better, not to keep or hold someone.

So, sure, living undaunted is not always easy. And really it can only happen when you find things daunting. The real point is not to be brave all the time, but to be scared much of the time and continue anyway. With moments of love and quiet, you will find strength inside yourself you didn't even know you had.